When I was a kid I had several very difficult years. I’m sure it was somewhat influenced by my family’s circumstances. We moved from Tucson to Chicago when I was nine, then experienced a great deal of financial hardship and felt generally uprooted. I was still learning how to deal with hard emotions and how to communicate how I was feeling to my parents. I threw tantrums where I got so worked up that the only solution my parents found was to leave me alone to cry and calm down. My tantrums were ugly and honestly embarrassing for me, and definitely for them too. It was overwhelming to handle me when I was worked up like that and beyond reason. It was overwhelming for me too, because I didn’t know how to reign everything in. Usually my world felt mostly stable again after working on a sewing project and taking a good nap.
As I got older, my parents learned a lot more about parenting and childhood development and were able to be a better support to me. They were able to see more clearly how I needed to be loved and taught, and once that happened I was able to grow past that really quickly. I grew out of a lot of it too on my own and by seeing the examples of girls a year or two older than myself. As an adult now, I still use some of the coping behaviors that I learned as a kid when I am faced with difficult situations. I take naps, go on walks in nature, write in my journal, work on calming projects, and then I feel centered again.
The Point of Sharing This
I see so many parents dealing with children who act like I did, and I see myself in those children. When I was going through that long phase, I knew that I was not dealing with strong emotions in a healthy or helpful way. I knew that I was stressing my parents and my siblings out, and I wanted to act differently. I just didn’t feel in control of myself and couldn’t stop myself sometimes.
I remember going out of my way to do things for my parents as a way of showing that I loved them, and possibly as penance for my bad behavior. One time in particular I stayed up until everyone was asleep, then went downstairs and tidied up the living room as a surprise for when they woke up. I tried my best that I could to be helpful and act my best on good days. It was easiest for me to behave well when there wasn’t a lot of chaos in mine and my family’s lives.
Other parents might have seen my tantrums and thought that I was a ‘bad kid’ or what I nightmare I was for my parents, but I’m so grateful that my parents didn’t believe that. They don’t believe that bad kids exist, and thank goodness for that. They stuck by me and were amazingly patient most of the time. I always knew that they loved me and didn’t think I was a lost cause.
Because of my own experience as a child and my experiences since with formal education, I am a firm believer that no child is giving you a hard time. They are having a hard time.
Being a kid is hard! I think parents often forget that, including myself sometimes. We see the technology and convenience of living today as a kid, and forget about all of the pressures and emotions that are a constant part of childhood. Kids don’t have the tools or resources that you have from your experience. You are their resource. You are their rock. If you stick with your kid no matter what, let them know that you love them no matter what, and give them room to grow, you will be surprised at how they will blossom.
All the Little Things Coaching 